Formulas won’t work

I am not only not the right person but also a wrong person to share this.  However, being part of society, I am sharing only my reflection than actually commenting.  Recently hundreds of couples gathered to insist the value of the relationship between husband and wife in a famous Ashram, in Tamilnadu.  They even took vows holding each others hand.  And after the programme, one woman, appreciating such gatherings to teach young generations, who do not understand many values in life, said, ‘three things are taught to us: “no comment; no command and no demand”’ between husband and wife to keep good relationship.’

Though I appreciate the Organizers for such meeting with a noble cause, yet providing some simple formulas won’t actually help people in real life.  It is interesting that such gathering was arranged to insist the relationship and bond between husband and wife. But a formula is given just opposite to such bond and relationship.

Every human relationship is important for an individual, family and community (also society at large) to grow.  And it is possible only when we ‘comment, command and even demand’ from each other several things.  Of course we can use a better word for ‘comment’ as ‘advice or counsel’; ‘command’ as ‘request’ and ‘demand’ as ‘rights’.  But whichever words we might use, any relationship can develop and function when there is mutual contribution by all these means.  Imagine a relationship between a husband and wife without any ‘comment, command and demand’.  Though I don’t have personal experience in this field, based on other relationship that I enjoy, I can say with much confidence that all relationship will remain not only dry but also boring without contributing to each other through our ‘comment, command and demand’.  And those who try to live strictly implementing such formulas won’t have any relationship with any one.  We can observe that even animal world and other natural world (like trees, plants etc.) cannot survive or thrive if such formula is followed.

The problem with human beings sometimes is that, in the name of doing certain things differently, we completely lose the track and get lost in such formulas and programs.  But the only consolation for me is that, like many other such programs and formulas, we will never implement them, but will live naturally ‘commenting, commanding and demanding’ in our life enjoying our relationship and learning through errors and mistakes and not through elitist, unnatural intellectual formulas.  Tastelessness itself is a taste (with which we are not familiar or the one that we don’t like); not using any symbol itself is a symbol.  In the same way, ‘no comments’ itself is a comment (without words).  One need not use only words to ‘command’. There are other ways to command and also to demand.   Those who exercise authority (husband or wife) know how to command, even with out words and those who depend on know how to demand their rights.  Those who are yet to be born alone can refrain from commenting, commanding and demanding.  Rest of the living beings, including the dead ones cannot escape from them.

Finally, when some one says after asking some help from me, ‘sorry for the trouble’, I with a smile say, ‘I need to give you trouble and you need to give me trouble.  Otherwise we cannot live on this earth.  Of course we can use a better word for ‘trouble’ as ‘seva’ though that is what we give and need to give to each other as living beings.

So ‘comment, command and demand’ to celebrate all relationship.

Dayanand Bharati, Gurukulam, September 1, 2009.