I have some problem with dating the following two songs. I still remember the background clearly in my mind where I wrote the song at Keshave’s village. But my diary entry shows it at Gonda UP. There could be some error in the dates. So at present I keep the dates for April 1993 and not Feb. 1992.
The following song has its own background. Keshave lives in an interior village. To reach the village back in the 1990s, we have to walk nearly eleven kms from the last bus stop. There was no electricity in his village back in 1992 and when we reached his village we will felt as if we reached the end of the world. On the other side of the village the forest begins. So when I reached his village for the second time in February 1992, I spent several days there as I liked interior places. There is a small river flowing nearby his village. Every day after my walk we used to sit and do our worship and discussion. But when I go for my walk I prefer to go alone. So I went early to the riverside to be ‘alone’. It is a beautiful place as the river is flowing some 80 feet below us. The evening sunset is beautiful and one can see green fields on the other side of the river and rarely some animals like foxes and rabbits will come to the riverside. I used to go a bit early and sit on the river side to enjoy my solitude. Knowing my nature, Keshave won’t come with me and will join later before the sunset for worship and prayer.
We already planned to start a small ashram on the riverside and we chose the place also. So, when I went to the river side and sat alone, I began to visualize the ashram where I can live in solitude. Of course we had decided to have few cottages to accommodate visitors. As I travelled a lot since 1973 except for a break for few months, I became very tired of travel. So I was longing to have my own ashram where I could stay alone and enjoy my life with the Lord. Then next more than one hour my mind was visualizing the future ashram and I was floating in the air. Suddenly a flash came in my mind and I remembered what Peter asked the Lord on the mount of transfiguration. It looked good for him to stay there permanently with the Lord. Then I began to think about my desire to be there living in my own small ashram not travelling much, I wrote the following song:
உன் சித்தம் செய்யவேண்டும்
12-02-1992. கெகரஹா (ரீவா, ம.பி).
Your will should be accomplished
Whatever I learn and whichever grace that I receive—your will should be accomplished
I should not live keeping my longing and my desire
But always keeping your Word as my priority—your will…..
The people of this world to glorify your name alone
In their life while they live—your will….
Having compassion for the condition of the people of this country
Who live with so many needs in their life—your will….
Deluded by the greatness of the mount of transfiguration
Not building a temple there to live with you—your will….
Not thinking about which is good for me alone
To do your seva with whole heartedly—your will
12-02-1992. Gonda or April 1993 Kekaraha (Rewa, M.P.)
I cannot escape from this dwand (struggle) within me even now. One longing in my life is to have a life of a recluse. I see two contradicting natures within me. I am a talkative person. At the same time I prefer to live alone, keeping quiet and silence at the maximum. I never miss people much in my life but I always miss my ‘solitude’. I am an extrovert person by nature, but I prefer to be an introvert. Particularly when I get the opportunity to be in interior places with less people, I never like to leave that place quickly.
In the Hindu tradition, the more one goes near to god or in spirituality/sadhana, the more they would keep or should keep away from people. But according to Muktiveda, the more we move closer to God, the more He pushes us among people. Our bhakti is to serve others and not our personal property. We need solitude and personal time with the Lord as part of our sadhana. But this is to prepare us to serve others rather than shun away from our responsibilities. So till the end of my life, I have to keep my need as well as God’s will for me to serve others in a balance. At least one is not possible without giving importance to other. However the only consolation that I have is that even God can use my solitude life for His glory provided I think more about my availability than my ability.