I am not the best person to talk about this issue. However as I have observed the life of several families and also faced similar situation in life (thankfully without a life partner but through other relationship), I can share the common issue, though, as usual, there will be variations.
The relationship between husband and wife is a delicate and complex one. Unlike other relationship, where we all enjoy love, care, concern, yet some kind of distance could be maintained knowing each other’s strength and weakness. But as they become one ‘flesh’ in all its meaning and purpose, husband and wife have to live with a ‘love and hate’ relationship, always tossed and separated by the waves of emotion in their life. In that relationship, as they both contribute not only to their personal life but also to their immediate family (their children) and near families (their parents) and others there will be several complex feelings. Sometimes failure in their commitment and responsibilities which they made and knew bring not only tension between them but also complex feeling and guilty conscience. And the party which feels become a victim will have some kind of superiority complex as s/he accomplished the work independently or with less cooperation of the life partner. And naturally the other will have some kind of inferiority complex and guilty conscience as s/he though willing and tried sincerely could not do her/his part to the responsibility and commitment.
And in such scenario, as I have observed, the common way to overcome any guilty conscience and inferiority complex (as well as victim feeling and superiority complex too) is ‘fault’ finding. As s/he failed or successful, whether articulated or not (which most of the time will be done—either by words or actions) fault finding is unavoidable. Personally I think this is not wrong as it one way helps to release the stress initially—however caution should be there not allow it to create new stress. At this stage it is not the question of ‘toleration’ or ‘forgiveness’ comes. As they know each other well, even this fault finding will only end up in better understanding. However, the best solution to keep the good relationship based on commitment and responsibility is not to ‘react’ when the partner become a fault finder for some time.
Fault finding is a mental sickness and whoever do it should be approached and handled sympathetically than counter argue with them, which will worsen their condition and add others burden. Several times the best treatment for such person is to allow them to find fault. And if the opponent managed to keep quite—not playing the ‘victim card’, it will become the best medicine (or counsel or treatment) for the fault finder later to think their mistake, failures and repent. In true relationship there is no place for any isolated/individual victim.
Dayanand Bharati, Gurukulam,April 24, 2011